Understanding/Recognizing Signs of Abuse
ABUSE TERMS
Many women who visit this page are not sure whether what they are experiencing is abuse.
Abuse is not always obvious, and it does not always begin in extreme ways. Often it starts with subtle patterns that slowly create confusion, self-doubt, and emotional exhaustion.
Many women struggle to put words to what they are experiencing. The terms below are provided to help bring language/clarity to experiences that can otherwise feel confusing or difficult to explain.
Understanding these patterns does not mean your situation has to look exactly like someone else’s. These definitions & examples are meant to help you recognize behaviors that may be affecting your emotional well-being and safety.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse involves patterns of behavior used to control, manipulate, intimidate, or undermine someone’s sense of self-worth and emotional stability.
What it may look like:
• Being constantly criticized, blamed, or made to feel like nothing you do is good enough
• Having your feelings dismissed or mocked
• Being made to feel guilty for normal needs or boundaries
• Being told you are “too sensitive,” “dramatic,” or “overreacting”
Why it matters:
Over time, emotional abuse can erode confidence, create confusion, and make it difficult to trust your own judgment.
Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse involves the use of words to demean, control, or intimidate another person.
What it may look like:
• Name-calling, insults, or degrading comments
• Yelling, threatening, or speaking in a way meant to intimidate
• Humiliating someone in private or in front of others
• Constant criticism disguised as “jokes”
Why it matters:
Repeated verbal attacks can deeply impact self-esteem and create an environment of fear and emotional instability.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse involves the use of physical force intended to harm, intimidate, or control another person.
What it may look like:
• Hitting, slapping, pushing, or restraining
• Throwing objects or destroying property during arguments
• Blocking someone from leaving a room
• Using physical intimidation to control behavior
Why it matters:
Physical abuse threatens a person’s safety and often escalates over time.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used to make someone question their memory, perception, or sense of reality.
What it may look like:
• Being told something didn’t happen when you clearly remember it
• Being told you’re “crazy,” “imagining things,” or “overreacting”
• Someone denying things they previously said or did
• Being made to feel like your reactions are the real problem
Why it matters:
Gaslighting creates confusion and self-doubt, making it harder to trust your instincts.
Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is a powerful emotional attachment that develops through repeated cycles of harm followed by reconciliation or affection.
What it may look like:
• Feeling deeply attached to someone who repeatedly hurts you
• Experiencing intense emotional highs after periods of conflict or mistreatment
• Feeling unable to leave even when you know the relationship is unhealthy
• Defending or protecting someone who mistreats you
Why it matters:
Trauma bonds can make it extremely difficult to leave or stay away from abusive relationships.
Future Faking
Future faking occurs when someone makes promises about the future to keep you invested in the relationship without genuine intention to follow through.
What it may look like:
• Promises that things will change after a certain event
• Talking about marriage, moving, or a future together after conflict
• Saying “I’ll get help,” “I’ll change,” or “things will be different” but behavior never changes
Why it matters:
Future faking keeps hope alive and can make someone stay longer waiting for change that never comes.
Devaluation
Devaluation occurs when someone who once idealized or praised you begins to criticize, belittle, or treat you with contempt.
What it may look like:
• Going from being called “perfect” to being constantly criticized
• Being blamed for problems that were never blamed on you before
• Feeling like you suddenly can’t do anything right
Why it matters:
Devaluation often follows periods of idealization and can leave someone constantly trying to regain the affection they once received.
Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance occurs when someone experiences mental or emotional conflict because two things they believe or feel do not match. In unhealthy or abusive relationships, this often happens when a person’s partner’s behavior contradicts the love, promises, or identity they believed that person had.
This internal conflict can make it very difficult to accept what is actually happening, causing someone to rationalize, minimize, or explain away harmful behavior.
What it may look like:
• Feeling confused because someone who says they love you also hurts you emotionally or verbally
• Constantly trying to reconcile the “good” version of someone with the harmful behavior you are experiencing
• Explaining away behavior by focusing on the partner’s stress, past trauma, or difficult circumstances
• Feeling like something is wrong but convincing yourself you may be overreacting
• Holding onto the hope that things will go back to how they were in the beginning
Why it matters:
Cognitive dissonance can keep someone stuck in a cycle of confusion and self-doubt. When actions and words don’t align, the mind often tries to resolve the conflict by protecting the relationship rather than acknowledging the harm.
Understanding cognitive dissonance helps people recognize why leaving or setting boundaries can feel so emotionally difficult, even when they know something is wrong. Recognizing this pattern can be an important step toward clarity, self-trust, and healing.
Post-Separation Abuse
Post-separation Abuse refers to manipulation, harassment, or control tactics that continue after someone has left the relationship.
What it may look like:
• Harassment through messages, calls, or social media
• Attempts to damage your reputation
• Using children, finances, or legal systems to maintain control
• Alternating between threats and attempts to pull you back into the relationship
Why it matters:
Abuse does not always end when a relationship ends, and awareness of these patterns can help people stay prepared and supported.
Cycle of Abuse
The cycle of abuse describes the repeating pattern many abusive relationships follow.
What it may look like:
• Tension building — stress, criticism, or conflict increases
• Incident — emotional, verbal, or physical abuse occurs
• Reconciliation — apologies, promises, affection, or gifts
• Calm — things feel normal again for a period of time
Why it matters:
This cycle can create confusion and make someone believe things are improving even when the pattern continues.
Conditioning
Conditioning occurs when repeated experiences train someone to expect certain responses, behaviors, or consequences within a relationship.
What it may look like:
• Changing your behavior to avoid anger or conflict
• Walking on eggshells to prevent upsetting someone
• Automatically apologizing even when you did nothing wrong
• Feeling responsible for someone else’s reactions
Why it matters:
Over time, conditioning can make unhealthy patterns feel normal and difficult to recognize.
DARVO
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a common manipulation tactic used to deflect accountability.
What it may look like:
• Denying harmful behavior
• Attacking the person who raised the concern
• Positioning themselves as the victim
• Blaming the other person for the conflict
Why it matters:
DARVO can shift blame and make the person who raised the issue feel guilty or responsible.